On a MUCH HAPPIER note...

I do indeed have a tumblr - kudos for that anonymous who asked

It's http://freezegirl4ever.tumblr.com/

And yes, please do go there if you are Twilight obsessed, like I very much am - please don't judge me for it!

What do you do

What do you do when no one supports your ambitions?

What do you do when no one understands why you act when?

What do you do when everything you do and say is misconstrued and taken in the worst possible way?

What do you do when nothing works out and everyone act like they support you?

What do you do when the whole world is populated with people with fake feelings?

What do you do when you realize you like those feelings, even though they are fake and unreal?

What do you do when the world swallows you whole?

What I'm listening to : What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction

164

He walked into my life three years ago, unknowingly, unintentionally. At first I had ignored him tryingly, as much as I possibly could without letting my intuitive mother know or allowing her competence to speak English embarrass, or even worse, defy her. I knew that my intentions to drive him into oblivion in my mind were good...pure - I needed to focus on my studies. It was a stupid lie to tell myself, though. The insecure girl whose father had scolded to the deepest pits of burning, living hell refused to let out the confidence which would have, or just maybe, catch half a second of his attention. Yes, I was insecure. Yes, trusting people had always been such a troublesome thing for me. Come summer, I was ready to go see him again, and - while breathing in deeply through my nose and exhaling through my mouth - I was ready to face this game of the lion and the lamb. At least, I thought I was.

Blinded by the ludicrous philosophies my father had told me over and over, I refused to let him in. I refused to let him see who I really was.

I never so much received a hug or a sign of affection from my father. He favored my brother, my cousin! I grew up believing that true love was just a way of living through whatever life threw at you. I scoffed and rolled my eyes at my friends who truly believed that they have found their other half. It was a manner of speaking, a way of living - this was what I constantly told myself. I saw with my own eyes, my father toying with my mother's affections. He used love so carelessly and there was my own meaning of love. A mask to hide the pains of living life. Just some false affections to make Earth a more beautiful place to live in. Love became nothing but torture in my mind, bringing nothing but suffering to my heart.

And then came this guy. This guy, this guy, this guy. It has been three years and my feelings of hope have grown wild. Our conversations, on the other hand, have not grown past the words of courtesy and the coy smiles of acknowledgement in front of the world's stage.

Here's to the new year - a year when school becomes vital, a year when I hope, just hope, that the small talk between us will gradually grow into feelings more tangible and, if I dare hope, mutual.

What I'm listening to : Ghosts - Little Boots

Invisible - Paul Weller

Little Bit - Lykke Li

My dad's a fucktard

Okay. That sounds a bit too harsh but hell, it's true. He was like, do maths this way, you're doing it wrong. Oh, for Christ's sakes, how many ways are there to do maths? Um, idiot - there is only one - practise. No shit. My dad does not get that. He thinks he's god and can make things happen by doing it all his way. Hell, if the world ever came under his control, his paranoid schizophrenia-ish like symptoms would destroy the world. Yes, that means you too, weirdo pseudo galaxies.

Sorry for this rant - I was just so upset today.

What I'm listening to: Complicated - Avril Lavigne

This Amazing New Song --> LOVE

Yeah - I'll write a post up later :)

So...now what?

Feeling completely refreshed from a trip overseas, I have come back somewhat lost and disoriented - I guess I'm just feelings rather anxious about school. School begins in a week and I will be changing subjects, yet again.

Have you ever felt like you're digging yourself in a pit and the mud surrounding you is too self-centered to form a mound for you to hold your lead-like body still for as long as possible?

I wish I were able to prolong vacations, but time flies whether you want it to or not.

What I'm listening to: Heaven and Hell by Black Sabbath

Dazed and Confused

I'm just here to rant about my daily life. It will probably be the most boring blog anyone has ever come across, but we'll see how it goes.

So I was at the local shop yesterday and I saw this guy I have a slight crush on. I have seen him there for around two years now but have never made a move - not even a casual 'hi'. Apparently I'm someone not even capable of that. He has the warmest chocolate brown eyes and soft-looking brown hair.

Have you ever felt something so deep for someone it seems impossible you haven't ever spoken to them?

What I'm listening to: Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine